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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This approach will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.